Time To Say Totsiens

Instead of watching another episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway, I type this post. Knowing that I’ll regret my choice soon enough. September 2015 I started a journey that was suppose to be my last but due to my recent truthfulness, it seems as if I will need to move on again. I have vowed to fight though but after voicenoting my friend, the not so rational one of the two of us; she has made me realise something that I think He has been trying to show me. Everything has come to a halt. The pipeline has just stopped. As if under some sort of maintenance. I am alot calmer. Less worried. Less frantic. I don’t think I will ever be completely ready to move on, unless they push me. Off the ledge. If I stay, I’ll change. It just makes sense. Because who can I trust? Everyone’s been telling me stories. Different sources. Same stories. If I stay, I will change. Morphe into a new me. A different me. A less likeable me. A more focused me. A more fuck you me. I just can’t believe it has come to this. This was meant to be it. The end of my beginning. The last stop on my journey. That’s what we said. That’s what we agreed upon. This was meant to be the closing chapter. My book has been written. Done. Finished. Complete. No more ink. No more paper. This has me broken, a lottle (a little but alot). There are not enough words to describe what I am expecting to happen. What I have been told. Word of mouth. The grapevine. Gossip Town. Skinner. Where is the accountability? I know when I leave you’ll speak about me, you’ve spoken about the ones before me. How crazy they were. What they did wrong. Does it hurt to pretend that much? Is it alot of upkeep having 2 faces? Why is it ok that I take the blame for unethical practices? Why is it ok that me being truthful and standing up for your baby has made me out to be the bad one? I won’t go down without a fight but this is in God’s hands now. He will equip me with the tools I need to fight whatever battle is set before me.

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