Mommy You Work Too Much

This is not something the kid has said to me but it is something that I can see in her face and in her actions

My actions aswell

When I put my job above the kid and above my maternal-ness then I become so stressed and short with her

I find spending time with her, when I am on a fuse, is frustrating and I would much rather be doing something else

I see it in her eyes when I bring the laptop to bed with me (yes, we co-sleep)

I see it in her pushiness to lay right in the crevice of my arm that she does not like that I am working

All the time

Every night

2 hours

Sometimes more

I can feel my not wanting to be present because I am concerned about the emails piling up in my inbox (my boss is single and a workaholic)

I can sense and relate to my frustration of “just one more Mommy”

I don’t just want to because I just can’t

Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with her and I wouldn’t have it any other way

I wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else than right here, right now with her

In an attempt to spend more time with me, she asked if she could accompany me to work

Not fully understanding that I would be working and therefore, would not be able to spend anytime with her

She said that’s ok, she will bring all her toys with and she will wait for me to get done with work

When did I become such a lack luster mother?

My weekends were filled with going to the park and making sure that she never felt neglected or second best

Least not to a job

She is my one and only responsibility in this world

Why is it so easy to just say “Not now” when “Not now” turns into “Never”

This post was going to be titled “Having a kid is frustrating and this is why” or something like that but I soon realised that this is not her fault

She is a child

5 years old

Clearly reaching out to me, her mother, with her baby talk

Asking for uppies and wanting to be hugged and kissed at random

This is not her fault

That I am neglecting her and making her feel second best to a laptop screen

If I cannot teach her that time is invaluable then what can I teach her?

She already knows that mommy works a lot and all the time but what values am I to instill in her if I cannot even make the time for “2 minutes”

It is not her fault that I have chosen, for the past few weeks and a few times before that, to put my job first

It is not her fault that she goes to bed sad, wondering why mommy does not want to play “Barbie Barbie”

It is not her fault because she is a child

She is my child

She must be made to feel loved

Not just on Insta selfies or FB videos, but real life

No cameras

No wanting to impress other mommies

Just me

Just her

She is a child who did not ask to be here

She is a child who I have vowed to protect

She is a child who is innocently asking “Please Mommy”

@ 5 years old she might’ve experienced her first heartbreak, I just can’t believe I was the one to cause it

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2 thoughts on “Mommy You Work Too Much

  1. Urgh I can totally relate to this. Only so many hours in the day. Both me and daddy work full time and I’d love to be one of those families who has jam packed fun weekends but we have to do all the boring crap that we don’t get to do in the week. And sometimes I just need to sit and slob rather than play racing cars!

    Liked by 1 person

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