Friday Feels

After a particularly hard day yesterday, I wrote this. I did not cry. I did not feel sorry for myself for myself. I felt seen. I felt as if the mask had been lifted off and knowingly admitted what others have been able to assess within minutes of meeting me. My inability to love myself.

 
😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐😐
 

My worth is defined by my own inability to love from within

I define myself on rules the world has set out for me

I define who I am as a mother on one really bad day

I define who I am as a daughter on past mistakes and hurts

I define my want for love on pure sexual atonements

I define my inner worth by others outer opinions

I do not see the worth others see in me

I do not hold on to the faith my daughter has in me

My worth is determined by people that don’t matter

That shouldn’t matter

They won’t anymore

I value others opinions more than what need be

I feel constantly judged

By my own deceiving eyes

By my own malicious mind

This stops now!

My inability to love myself, to start that love from within has not made me a bad mother, it has not made me a bad daughter and it has not made me a bad friend

It has made me an ugly mother, an ugly daughter and an ugly friend

I mask my inability with laughter, while crying on the inside

I always say, “There’s no time for crying”, and “No one wants to hear my sob story”

When I should’ve been saying, “I will always cry”, and “I will always listen to my own story”

This is my life and I create my happiness

I do not need the approval of others or the acknowledgement of you

My inability to love is because I have not accepted nor embraced the greatest love of all

His

My eyes have been closed too long to the greatest that He is

My heart has been shielded from the outpouring of His love

My inabilities have been His abilities

I have just been too blind, too shunted

Rather stay protected than rejected

I give myself to you Father, to better me

Help me

My inability

My worth

My daughter

My parents

Me

The greatest love

My Heavenly Father

Strengthen me so that I may forever know the beating of my own heart and the words etched into my thoughts

Know me so that I may know myself and feed this self knowledge to my own child

Love me so that I may see that I am worth more than these harsh words and inappropriate thoughts

Heal me Father

Help me Father

For I am yours and I can do anything through you, who gives me strength

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