The Random Post

So I went to the V&A Waterfront this evening and I realised something; I am not confident

Not even in the least
In saying that, I have no idea where this post is going and I might offend some people (noted there are not alot of people who read my blog) and I can promise that I will be blogging this post like I am talking to a friend
Ready?
hahaha
So, like I said; I am not confident
I have been single since November 2013 and a single mom since the very beginning, May 2012
I don’t think I have ever been very confident and I think being a single somewhat overweight individual/single mom has diminished this limited confidence I have
If you know me, as a friend, acquaintance ; you’ll know that I am quite fuckin sarcastic, a major cunt when I have time and I tend to steer away from sentimental kak
Why?
Because I can get depro as fuck
I’m talking depro to the point of “you shouldn’t even look at me”
I hate that I am not confident like these muffin top gals, or those skinny legged bitches
I walk with my head down
I don’t smile, which makes me a sufferer/victim of #RestingBitchFace
I am sarcastic because it is better than talking about my feelings, because, seriously, who has time for feelings?
I am typing this from my laptop because I lazy as fuck when it comes to typing things on my phone #voicenoteAllTheTime
I have also been on this “I am not a good mother” vibe lately
I always tell people “you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors”
So, in saying that, you don’t
I shout
I scream
I post happy kak on FB & Insta
Not to say that happy kak only happens for the camera
BUT
major BUT
I feel like my bad moments outweigh the fuckin outrageously awesome days
I am a fuckin awesome mom and I exude confidence and I am bad-fuckin-ass
BUT
that can all change , in a split second
Just.Like.That
No mater how awesome I feel or look or think I am, coz you know I am damn well freakin fuckin terrific
It is easier for me to be sarcastic, bad mouthing myself Athena
It is easier to talk down to myself because it is easier to believe that I will always be fat
I will always be skinny
I will always be this fuckin dumb and bad
A bad person
A bad mother
It is easier for me to be horrible to myself because seriously, who would want to love an overweight (slightly) 27 year old single mom who STILL lives at home and doesn’t have her drivers license
It is easier than hoping for the best
Hoping that things will change
It is easier than having a hope and a dream
It is easier to just lie
Much fuckin easier to pretend
Pretend that I am happy
Pretend that I am ok
It is easier to type this than to lay on a therapists’ couch and cry and let people see that ugly and vunerable side of me
So much easier to stay occupied
I mean, look at me
Seriously
I don’t look at you and get jealous, I am way past jealousy
I look at you and even though I am unhappy or unfulfilled with what I have or am, I am contempt
I am ready to be alone
I am ready to build my empire, not to say I can do it on my own
But, I know, until I can find that confidence and self love on the inside, I will never be ready ; even for a one night stand
I don’t think I will ever be as confident as I want #perfectionist
I know I am happy
I just wish I could give more of myself to me and I just wish I could see the beauty the world sees
I know I am not ugly
I know I am not grotesquely fat
but I also know I am not confident, like that butterface girl walking with her overly tall hunk of a boyfriend
I know I am not ever going to land the man I want, qualities-wise
It is no man’s fault but mine; I need to find that confidence in myself and that self love and as long as I don’t have that – I will always be a horrible mother
I will always say things to hurt my now 4 year old daughter, because that’s how I speak to myself, like I don’t love myself and I shouldn’t exist
I emit what’s on the inside and because she is so much like me, I do feel like it’s ok that I can speak to her whichever way I want and that is wrong
That’s why I have such a stinky attitude
That’s why I am such a slut with my bek
I need to fix me before I break her

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2 thoughts on “The Random Post

  1. Wow. That was RAW. You are an amazing mom because you want to do better! A crap mom does not even think about her kid.

    I wish you the very best on your journey of self love Athena, for what it’s worth, I think you’re beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

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