Feel like I’m drowning. Not in the literal sense but I am drowning. I feel like I’m getting sick, I think it’s my body’s way of taking revenge. I do hope and pray, sincerely,that I get sick. Like can barely even move sick. Just so that I can get a tiny little break. An opportunity to get my head wrapped around all of this. To understand the ups & downs. I know they say that God only gives His toughest fights to His strongest soldiers,but I don’t know if I’ll ever be emotionally strong for this. I already feel like I am at breaking point. Like, “JUST GET THIS OVER WITH!!!!!!!”
I don’t particurlarly want to deal with this. One minute I’m fine and then this happens and it has an effect of sending into a downward spiral. Not a good one. One where I’m close to tears, & the crazy thing about that is that being a mother doesn’t really allow much time for tears. Ya’know how these kids feed off our energy. That’s the thing. Energy. It’s grown resentful. That I’m the one doing all the running around.
I feel like punching something. Punching some sense into him. Like how are you not seeing the bigger picture?! 😠
& not even music is helping me. No train of thought. No jivey feels. I feel all dark & twisty. I need a streak of good luck,of winning but first, I must get sick. Terribly sick. Then things can get better. Only then.
The situation is profound. Too much. I know things will work out in the end but in the meantime, I ask that you please pray for me. I am a soldier. I will be strong enough. I have to be.