Secrets

Good Day Folks,
Before I start this post I would just like to acknowledge a few things

– I am sure there are only a handful of people who have subscribed to this blog so you might be the only people to read this. I haven’t yet made my mind up whether I will share it with my Facebook page #sensitiveinformation
– What I’m about to share is something that many people may know and then there are some that won’t
– This is not an attention seeking post. It is not a sympathy post. It is honest
– There will be some information in this post that will shock you, so if you’re easily offended, friend or not,then please stop reading.
– This is a judgement free zone. I do accept comments or emails athena.japhta@gmail.com
– This is my blog. My heart. Don’t like what I say or how I say it? Then please fuck off. I am not here to please you. This is an outlet for me. I am no longer surrounded by my friends and it’s hard not being able to just talk to them. Skype,BBM, Facebook messenger or even WhatsApp is just not the same.
– Just to reiterate THIS IS NOT A ” PITY,PLEASE FEEL SORRY FOR ME, TELL ME I’M PRETTY AND WORTH IT” post
– There will be imagery
– I know many people don’t agree with me just exposing my life like this and I understand where you’re coming from but this is what I’m choosing to do to be ok,happy even
– I know I’ve spiked your curiosity and now you can’t wait but do yourself a favour,if you are just here to judge or to be ‘bis’, then please just scroll through until you get to the images, judge, then move the fuck along

                        *acknowledgement done*

This is me. Athena Mechay Japhta. My mom wanted to name me Lou-Anne but thank God she saw my now name in a magazine. Right now? I am 26. A single mom. Fighting. Some days are better than others. I do not feel sorry for myself. There are people much more worse off than me. I have come to accept my life. I still strive to make it better but know this; for a long time I was depressed,internally. I was that crazy happy girl but on the inside it was like I was living in a bath of acid. Everything was horrendous. Until recently that is. 26 and a switch flipped. I am happy and ok. Guess I’m officially a grown up. I am in debt. Major ball sucking debt. No way out. That’s my acid now. It’s my own fault really. I don’t earn enough to sustain my life and pay my debts so every month something goes unpaid so that I can pay something towards my debt. I need a way out but of course I don’t qualify for a loan. I have never had much patience but being a single parent has taught me that I have to be patient. No choice really. I do not hate my life but I do really wish I could just come home and sleep. I can’t even afford a simple R40 eyebrow wax. Know that I would never blame my daughter for anything. She is my all. I will go through life with bushy unkempt eyebrows if it means that she will have something to fill her belly. After I lost my virginity (in matric), I became somewhat of a whore. Slept with 5 guys in the space of a year. I am not ashamed. I wish I made better choices in my life. I wish I worked a bit harder. I just wish I was overall just better. People always thought I was a slut, that I must’ve lost my virginity at 12 or something – all based on the fact that I had a different boyfriend every other month. I never even kissed them. Had my first kiss at 12, on a camp. Slutty talk? I have always used my body to get attention from men. I don’t know why but I don’t feel worthy. I’ve never felt worthy. Like never. I don’t know where it comes from. Even up until recently. That’s what I do. I am slowly coming to terms with my body. I am so much bigger than what I would like. I just want a smaller tummy. Not much I’m asking for. And then I look so vrot today – no make up and hair is a mess. I have always felt a desire to be the best and I know it frustrates me that I just cannot seem to get that where my body is concerned. It’s the one part of my life I should be able to control. I can’t. I allow men to talk down to me because it is easier than standing up for myself or fighting back. I’m talking friends or even just acquaintances. I complain about it when they do. I even ignore the messages I get. I like having friends. I don’t feel intellectual. I feel that the only thing of value that I can contribute is my body. I provide my body and soul up for tarnishing because I don’t feel like I can hold a conversation. I don’t see why any man/boy would want to be in my presence if it wasn’t sex related. I am so broken because I allow it. I try to dig myself out of this hole but then I always get pushed back in. You can only ignore something for so long before you have to face it. I choose to laugh, to be one of the guys,to crack jokes and make those sexual remarks. I hide it. All. I don’t want to be like this and that is why I decided to do this post. I cut myself when I was younger. On the belly, wrists, vagina and breasts. I did not want to be me. I did not want to be here. I did not want to be Athena – even then. She was broken. She was ashamed. She was different. I wanted to be that girl. I wanted to be someone everyone liked but I wasn’t. I was a bitch. I am a bitch. I don’t get along with people because there is just too much. Too much everything. My depression has been replaced with failure. Failing at this mother gig. Failing to provide. Failing to make the right decisions at the right time. I choose to laugh. I choose to skim over or sweep under. I choose to pretend. I am ok. I will no longer be that girl who just cowers in the corner while life punches her in the chest. I will no longer be your side whore. I will value myself,because in valuing myself I am teaching my daughter that she is worth something. She is of value. She means something. It is ok to be different. It is ok to be you. Love you first. Put your dreams and goals and wishes right on the top of that list. You are important. Be independent and don’t make the same mistakes. Be somebody. Change the world and take no prisoners. It will take a while for me to slip out of my 26 year mentality. Constant reminders and daily affirmations. I will be ok. I am ok. It will be ok.

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