A 3AM Burglary

Sounds like an awesome title of a book, right?

Like one you’d see with a picture of a bandit on, creeping across the cover

But it is not, it is my life

Ok so that was a tad dramatic

Actually, it was my life

On Friday, 15 September, roughly between the hours of 3am and 4am, my house was burgled

Not in your classic they-took-the-tv style but more so they-were-in-the-room-with-me style

Not long after the burglarly happened, I tried to do a post but it was all too real, at the time & what seemed like writer’s block was just uncertainty

Who would listen to my cry?

Would people actually stop to listen?

Not respond with it-also-happened-to-me?

Let’s jump 5 sentences back, did you read that? Like actually read it? Not skim over it like one of the many politically incorrect or crime ridden stories that circutales on the regular?

Although I am not very good with words and hardly ever grammatically correct, let me attempt to paint a picture

I have a 3:30am alarm, it alarmed, I switched it off & not long after that, I saw someone in my room; naturally I thought it was my dad

<jumping straight to the juice>

I awoke, startled, at 4:03am (*I assume), only to frantically but still very tiredly search for my phone to no avail. I stare at the desk, wondering why it looks as barren as my lovelife only to realise that both my work and personal laptop are missing.

I proceed to the parents room (I hope you have caught on that I now live with my folks), check mom’s phone, it’s 4:07am; I proceed to where they sleep and very calmly sayDaddy, my laptops are gone

Mom and Dad jump like spring chickens, dad very cautiously goes downstairs & voila, we’ve been burgled!

I will not tell you what they stole because that is not important. What is important is that a week later, I DREAD going to bed this evening. It does not feel like a week since this happened. It feels like a lifetime ago. Like it did not even happen to me. I will tell you, though, how amazingly calm I am. Even when it happened. Even now. I guess I am telling you this because it could’ve been worse.

Had I died, no one would have known because……life; one of the many reasons though

So although I might not be as riverting or grammarticarly correct as the other bloggers you follow, I am real

Just like them, my stories are real

They might not always be long but that are to the point

Dear Lord, stuff isn’t as important as some people think. Help me remember that the things I own aren’t as important as the person I am becoming. Amen

The Unseeable

I feel your hands wrap around my neck as I remain completely calm

A panic rises inside me

A scream wanting to escape but I know there is no one to save me

I adjust my shirt and for a brief moment I feel relief

Only to have you wrap your hands around my neck

Again

Slowly now

I am not sure if I imagining this or is this darkness a reality

Where has it come from

Where has my brightness escaped

I feel like shouting “I’m getting choked” but I know that this is only my imagination

They cannot see me struggle

They cannot feel my anxiety and desperation rise

Why am I feeling this cloak of darkness shade me

Why are you hurting me?

What are you trying to prove?

Have I somehow veered off course?

You slowly loosen your grip but not enough for me to forget that you’re still there

A panic sets in

Something gnaws at my insides

Reminding me of what once was

You’re still here

I feel you

I know it’s only my imagination

I know they cannot see you

They would think I’m crazy if I spoke

The unseeable

I feel you, choking me

And I want to give in

Knocking On Deaths Door

I find myself thinking of you

At odd times

As I stare out of the work window

Watching the palm trees sway in the wind

Listening to music

Imagining the way you danced

How it gave you so much joy

Wondering how you turned into that

To drugs

Was it that easy

Or was it just easier to follow the leader

Your husband

As he slowly dragged you down

You loved him so much

I don’t think he loved you as much

He put his family, his work above you

Above the kids

They need you

They miss you terribly

I miss you

I can’t help but imagine all we could’ve been

How many great adventures we would’ve gone on

This has been a strange week

Thinking of the dead and how much I miss them

I imagine us

Together

Sisters

Best friends

Finding joy and comfort in company and in each other

I miss you

Terribly

I think of you now

Mesmerized by the swaying of the palm trees

Wishing I was as free

Clouded Moon

As she shines so brightly in the morning sky

Her beauty often unnoticed

She rises

Stands tall

In the morning she sets

No radio broadcast about how her magnificientness

She goes unnoticed

As we sleep she shines brightly

Often wounded with spears of unlove

She serves

Every night

Standing tall

Never failing

Under a shroud of cloud

I see her beauty

Whats In Your Bag

With a bit of drizzle comes a new SUPERbusyMOM segment

As always, a mommy segment

What’s in your bag?

All you’ve got to do to be apart of this segment is throw absolutely everything out of your bag, assemble in a decent way so that we can see what happens in the deep crevices of your lif, take a pic, tag me and if you’d like please tell us a bit of a back story about what the hell we see infront of us #WhatsInYourBagWithMe

Now, I am quite religious about cleaning my bag and I normally have more than one bag, each for different occasions so it’s normally not as receipt filled as usual 😎

I Want A Daddy

No, not me

I already have one

A damn good one at that

The kid

She is 5 years old now

She hasn’t said that she wants one , outloud but she has been making reference to “daddies” on TV shows and her playing has more so encompassed the word “daddy”

Now, when she was 3 years old she already asked me about this situation and , at the time, I explained to her that she was just too young at the time

Now though, how much longer can I avoid it? Yes I know that avoiding it is ultimately not the best or wisest decision but you know, just sometimes.

I have asked her, more than once, on those days I am feeling less than, if she wanted one.

A daddy.

You know, as if it’s just that easy click of the finger to get a dad.

Just

So

Easy

I am fearful for what the future holds. How different, successful or not, will she turn out because of the decisions I’ve made. The actions that took place.

Many of you do not know that for 2 years I have been fighting a financially draining journey. Recently though, I won.

Now won is not the right term but I sure as hell didn’t lose but how will my “winning” now affect her in 6 months, at 6 years?

Have I made a grave mistake by doing what I think was right? Even though he doesn’t contribute, at all? Am I wrong? Am I robbing her of an important relationship?

She has my dad though, my grandfather, my brother, uncle and cousin.

Alot of good strong men.

Does one really make a difference?

I know she needs a daddy but does she really need that one?

The worst version of me

I have become her

The one I hate

She has been hidden for so long

She has emerged

Again

Now

Why now

I remember her

She is horrible

Quick to react

Even faster to anger

She makes me hate myself

That hatred feels like burning hot whisky down my throat

She is hateful

Seething with black dark unforgiving love

Her guilt makes it impossible to sleep

Tossing

Turning

Trying to figure out how to make things right

Praying for forgiveness

For knowledge

Comfort

I hate her

She makes me ugly

Unlikeable

To me even

She makes me want to slit my wrists snd get a one way ticket out of here

I hate that she has taken so much of my life already

6 years and a bit more

Now this

She has resurfaced

Like a friend cut off at the first sign of peer pressure

She turns me into a monster

Rearing it’s ugly diseased head

Taking days

Even weeks to calm down

She enjoys this

Control

Grabbing me right in the middle of my chest

Pulling me towards the darkness

And I just give in

So weak

Trying to fight but she has a hold on me

Like 10 people holding me

Too tight

Unable to breathe

She takes over as I try to live

She brings out the ugly in me

The ugliest part of me

I need to find the off button

I don’t like being this ugly

WIN! Stress Free Dinner

The Dinner Genie is a Christian run company based in Pinelands.

What I love about this company is the fast responses to email, their willingness to answer the magnitude of questions I had and the warm reception I received upon collecting my meal. Also, a major plus? Mother dearest thoroughly enjoyed the meal – which, if anyone knows my mom, is a fracking amazing.

Because this is a Christian run company, they cook with pork food items and therefore this competition is only open to my Christian followers, unless you’re like super chilled about your food being cooked in the same kitchen as pork goods, then read the fuck on bra!

What can you win? Besides a day off from cooking? #BuyPaperPlates
A roast chicken dinner (feeds four, unless you are a kos gangsta’) to the value of R250

Roast Chicken Dinner, you say? Will I only be getting Chicken?
– Full Free Range Chicken with bread stuffing
– Roast Potatoes
– Roast veg
– Gravy

The winner would need to pick up the item from the Dinner-Genie kitchen in Pinelands, after 4pm on a pre-selected date. (futher information will be provided to the winner only!)

So, if you want free kos and have a ride then follow the rules below and get yourself a meal man! Yassis! Do yourself a favour and get that food hunnay!

Rules:
Follow my blog (altyd ne) and comment on my Insta post about this competition with the name / email address under which you followed
If you already follow my blog, then just comment with the name / email address under which you follow me
Like my Facebook page (I have got to get over myself!)

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy – winner announced faster than you can say “Hos Ma Se Kin!”

I have this because of you | NSFW

Please do not view this on your work laptop

Please do not read this in a public place

For the sake of humanity, do not view this in an open place

Read this on your mobile, with the lighting dimmed

Please! For the love of all that is good – dim the damn light on your phone

Make this easier for all of us

Yesterday was Women’s Day (in South Africa) and my mom had a women’s day function @ the church we attend

Was it great? You betcha! Now, there were 2 photographers and the one took a pic of the baby and I where I commented that she knows how to hide all my problem areas (you all know the “fat” I am talking about)

Jokingly, he responded that “You have that because of her”

*You have that because of her*

Now, I have all this (imagine me gesturing to my belly and butt) because I also do not work out and take care of myself blah blah blah BUT It got me thinking

As mothers, women even we are constantly shamed into thinking that this (gesturing towards my body again) is just not good enough

The fact we brought life into the world is not enough because we are expected to bounce back into whatever pre-baby body shape we were in #DamnYouSize28Jeans

*I have that because of her*

Unconditional love

Uncontrollable joy

Unexplainable pain

Unimaginable anger

I have more than just my post baby (5 years later) body because of her

I have a joy whenever I see her laugh

I have a moment to myself whenever I catch her laughing in her sleep

I have a moment of reflection as I kiss her forhead and hold her tight

I have a life I created

A life I am helping to build

I have more than just these belly rolls, stretch marks and definitely more than these flabby everythings

I have a reason to get up and go work in the morning

I have a reason to always remember that things are not always as bad as you think it is

I have a girl who, in many ways, is just like me

*I have this because of her*

Of what I gave up

Who I gave up

I have memories

Alot of pain and alot of worry

I have this body and I will no longer be shamed by what allowed me to carry life into this World

If you have

– given birth

– had a stillbirth

– had a miscarriage

Know that your body is beautiful and that as women, we need to stand together, we need to support each other

You, right now, as you are, perfectly wobbly and soft, are a goddess

No matter how long you carried life, inside or outside of your body, you are powerful and deserve to be celebrated

#SayNoToBodyShaming

————————————————————–

What do you have because of them?

I Loved When You Called Me Mama

Now you don’t

Now you call me Mommy

Don’t get me wrong , I’ll take it

I preferred Mama though

Seemed a whole lot homelier

Like you trusted me with your life

With it all

Mommy is just so……..mommy

A far cry from Mama

We all learn and grow

This is growth

5 going on 15

My heart outside of my chest