The Flying Pan is a food delivery business based in Cape Town that was launched in March 2013 in response to a growing need for a healthy and convenient dinner service. Busy lives make meal… More
Sounds like an awesome title of a book, right?
Like one you’d see with a picture of a bandit on, creeping across the cover
But it is not, it is my life
Ok so that was a tad dramatic
Actually, it was my life
On Friday, 15 September, roughly between the hours of 3am and 4am, my house was burgled
Not in your classic they-took-the-tv style but more so they-were-in-the-room-with-me style
Not long after the burglarly happened, I tried to do a post but it was all too real, at the time & what seemed like writer’s block was just uncertainty
Who would listen to my cry?
Would people actually stop to listen?
Not respond with it-also-happened-to-me?
Let’s jump 5 sentences back, did you read that? Like actually read it? Not skim over it like one of the many politically incorrect or crime ridden stories that circutales on the regular?
Although I am not very good with words and hardly ever grammatically correct, let me attempt to paint a picture
I have a 3:30am alarm, it alarmed, I switched it off & not long after that, I saw someone in my room; naturally I thought it was my dad
<jumping straight to the juice>
I awoke, startled, at 4:03am (*I assume), only to frantically but still very tiredly search for my phone to no avail. I stare at the desk, wondering why it looks as barren as my lovelife only to realise that both my work and personal laptop are missing.
I proceed to the parents room (I hope you have caught on that I now live with my folks), check mom’s phone, it’s 4:07am; I proceed to where they sleep and very calmly say “Daddy, my laptops are gone”
Mom and Dad jump like spring chickens, dad very cautiously goes downstairs & voila, we’ve been burgled!
I will not tell you what they stole because that is not important. What is important is that a week later, I DREAD going to bed this evening. It does not feel like a week since this happened. It feels like a lifetime ago. Like it did not even happen to me. I will tell you, though, how amazingly calm I am. Even when it happened. Even now. I guess I am telling you this because it could’ve been worse.
Had I died, no one would have known because……life; one of the many reasons though
So although I might not be as riverting or grammarticarly correct as the other bloggers you follow, I am real
Just like them, my stories are real
They might not always be long but that are to the point
“Dear Lord, stuff isn’t as important as some people think. Help me remember that the things I own aren’t as important as the person I am becoming. Amen”
I feel your hands wrap around my neck as I remain completely calm
A panic rises inside me
A scream wanting to escape but I know there is no one to save me
I adjust my shirt and for a brief moment I feel relief
Only to have you wrap your hands around my neck
I am not sure if I imagining this or is this darkness a reality
Where has it come from
Where has my brightness escaped
I feel like shouting “I’m getting choked” but I know that this is only my imagination
They cannot see me struggle
They cannot feel my anxiety and desperation rise
Why am I feeling this cloak of darkness shade me
Why are you hurting me?
What are you trying to prove?
Have I somehow veered off course?
You slowly loosen your grip but not enough for me to forget that you’re still there
A panic sets in
Something gnaws at my insides
Reminding me of what once was
You’re still here
I feel you
I know it’s only my imagination
I know they cannot see you
They would think I’m crazy if I spoke
I feel you, choking me
And I want to give in
I find myself thinking of you
At odd times
As I stare out of the work window
Watching the palm trees sway in the wind
Listening to music
Imagining the way you danced
How it gave you so much joy
Wondering how you turned into that
Was it that easy
Or was it just easier to follow the leader
As he slowly dragged you down
You loved him so much
I don’t think he loved you as much
He put his family, his work above you
Above the kids
They need you
They miss you terribly
I miss you
I can’t help but imagine all we could’ve been
How many great adventures we would’ve gone on
This has been a strange week
Thinking of the dead and how much I miss them
I imagine us
Finding joy and comfort in company and in each other
I miss you
I think of you now
Mesmerized by the swaying of the palm trees
Wishing I was as free
As she shines so brightly in the morning sky
Her beauty often unnoticed
In the morning she sets
No radio broadcast about how her magnificientness
She goes unnoticed
As we sleep she shines brightly
Often wounded with spears of unlove
Under a shroud of cloud
I see her beauty
With a bit of drizzle comes a new SUPERbusyMOM segment
As always, a mommy segment
What’s in your bag?
All you’ve got to do to be apart of this segment is throw absolutely everything out of your bag, assemble in a decent way so that we can see what happens in the deep crevices of your lif, take a pic, tag me and if you’d like please tell us a bit of a back story about what the hell we see infront of us #WhatsInYourBagWithMe
Now, I am quite religious about cleaning my bag and I normally have more than one bag, each for different occasions so it’s normally not as receipt filled as usual 😎
No, not me
I already have one
A damn good one at that
She is 5 years old now
She hasn’t said that she wants one , outloud but she has been making reference to “daddies” on TV shows and her playing has more so encompassed the word “daddy”
Now, when she was 3 years old she already asked me about this situation and , at the time, I explained to her that she was just too young at the time
Now though, how much longer can I avoid it? Yes I know that avoiding it is ultimately not the best or wisest decision but you know, just sometimes.
I have asked her, more than once, on those days I am feeling less than, if she wanted one.
You know, as if it’s just that easy click of the finger to get a dad.
I am fearful for what the future holds. How different, successful or not, will she turn out because of the decisions I’ve made. The actions that took place.
Many of you do not know that for 2 years I have been fighting a financially draining journey. Recently though, I won.
Now won is not the right term but I sure as hell didn’t lose but how will my “winning” now affect her in 6 months, at 6 years?
Have I made a grave mistake by doing what I think was right? Even though he doesn’t contribute, at all? Am I wrong? Am I robbing her of an important relationship?
She has my dad though, my grandfather, my brother, uncle and cousin.
Alot of good strong men.
Does one really make a difference?
I know she needs a daddy but does she really need that one?
I have become her
The one I hate
She has been hidden for so long
She has emerged
I remember her
She is horrible
Quick to react
Even faster to anger
She makes me hate myself
That hatred feels like burning hot whisky down my throat
She is hateful
Seething with black dark unforgiving love
Her guilt makes it impossible to sleep
Trying to figure out how to make things right
Praying for forgiveness
I hate her
She makes me ugly
To me even
She makes me want to slit my wrists snd get a one way ticket out of here
I hate that she has taken so much of my life already
6 years and a bit more
She has resurfaced
Like a friend cut off at the first sign of peer pressure
She turns me into a monster
Rearing it’s ugly diseased head
Even weeks to calm down
She enjoys this
Grabbing me right in the middle of my chest
Pulling me towards the darkness
And I just give in
Trying to fight but she has a hold on me
Like 10 people holding me
Unable to breathe
She takes over as I try to live
She brings out the ugly in me
The ugliest part of me
I need to find the off button
I don’t like being this ugly
The Dinner Genie is a Christian run company based in Pinelands.
What I love about this company is the fast responses to email, their willingness to answer the magnitude of questions I had and the warm reception I received upon collecting my meal. Also, a major plus? Mother dearest thoroughly enjoyed the meal – which, if anyone knows my mom, is a fracking amazing.
Because this is a Christian run company, they cook with pork food items and therefore this competition is only open to my Christian followers, unless you’re like super chilled about your food being cooked in the same kitchen as pork goods, then read the fuck on bra!
What can you win? Besides a day off from cooking? #BuyPaperPlates
A roast chicken dinner (feeds four, unless you are a kos gangsta’) to the value of R250
Roast Chicken Dinner, you say? Will I only be getting Chicken?
– Full Free Range Chicken with bread stuffing
– Roast Potatoes
– Roast veg
The winner would need to pick up the item from the Dinner-Genie kitchen in Pinelands, after 4pm on a pre-selected date. (futher information will be provided to the winner only!)
So, if you want free kos and have a ride then follow the rules below and get yourself a meal man! Yassis! Do yourself a favour and get that food hunnay!
Follow my blog (altyd ne) and comment on my Insta post about this competition with the name / email address under which you followed
If you already follow my blog, then just comment with the name / email address under which you follow me
Like my Facebook page (I have got to get over myself!)
Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy – winner announced faster than you can say “Hos Ma Se Kin!”
Please do not view this on your work laptop
Please do not read this in a public place
For the sake of humanity, do not view this in an open place
Read this on your mobile, with the lighting dimmed
Please! For the love of all that is good – dim the damn light on your phone
Make this easier for all of us
Yesterday was Women’s Day (in South Africa) and my mom had a women’s day function @ the church we attend
Was it great? You betcha! Now, there were 2 photographers and the one took a pic of the baby and I where I commented that she knows how to hide all my problem areas (you all know the “fat” I am talking about)
Jokingly, he responded that “You have that because of her”
*You have that because of her*
Now, I have all this (imagine me gesturing to my belly and butt) because I also do not work out and take care of myself blah blah blah BUT It got me thinking
As mothers, women even we are constantly shamed into thinking that this (gesturing towards my body again) is just not good enough
The fact we brought life into the world is not enough because we are expected to bounce back into whatever pre-baby body shape we were in #DamnYouSize28Jeans
*I have that because of her*
I have more than just my post baby (5 years later) body because of her
I have a joy whenever I see her laugh
I have a moment to myself whenever I catch her laughing in her sleep
I have a moment of reflection as I kiss her forhead and hold her tight
I have a life I created
A life I am helping to build
I have more than just these belly rolls, stretch marks and definitely more than these flabby everythings
I have a reason to get up and go work in the morning
I have a reason to always remember that things are not always as bad as you think it is
I have a girl who, in many ways, is just like me
*I have this because of her*
Of what I gave up
Who I gave up
I have memories
Alot of pain and alot of worry
I have this body and I will no longer be shamed by what allowed me to carry life into this World
If you have
– given birth
– had a stillbirth
– had a miscarriage
Know that your body is beautiful and that as women, we need to stand together, we need to support each other
You, right now, as you are, perfectly wobbly and soft, are a goddess
No matter how long you carried life, inside or outside of your body, you are powerful and deserve to be celebrated
What do you have because of them?
Now you don’t
Now you call me Mommy
Don’t get me wrong , I’ll take it
I preferred Mama though
Seemed a whole lot homelier
Like you trusted me with your life
With it all
Mommy is just so……..mommy
A far cry from Mama
We all learn and grow
This is growth
5 going on 15
My heart outside of my chest