I feel your hands wrap around my neck as I remain completely calm A panic rises inside me A scream wanting to escape but I know there is no one to save me I adjust… More
With a bit of drizzle comes a new SUPERbusyMOM segment
As always, a mommy segment
What’s in your bag?
All you’ve got to do to be apart of this segment is throw absolutely everything out of your bag, assemble in a decent way so that we can see what happens in the deep crevices of your lif, take a pic, tag me and if you’d like please tell us a bit of a back story about what the hell we see infront of us #WhatsInYourBagWithMe
Now, I am quite religious about cleaning my bag and I normally have more than one bag, each for different occasions so it’s normally not as receipt filled as usual 😎
No, not me
I already have one
A damn good one at that
She is 5 years old now
She hasn’t said that she wants one , outloud but she has been making reference to “daddies” on TV shows and her playing has more so encompassed the word “daddy”
Now, when she was 3 years old she already asked me about this situation and , at the time, I explained to her that she was just too young at the time
Now though, how much longer can I avoid it? Yes I know that avoiding it is ultimately not the best or wisest decision but you know, just sometimes.
I have asked her, more than once, on those days I am feeling less than, if she wanted one.
You know, as if it’s just that easy click of the finger to get a dad.
I am fearful for what the future holds. How different, successful or not, will she turn out because of the decisions I’ve made. The actions that took place.
Many of you do not know that for 2 years I have been fighting a financially draining journey. Recently though, I won.
Now won is not the right term but I sure as hell didn’t lose but how will my “winning” now affect her in 6 months, at 6 years?
Have I made a grave mistake by doing what I think was right? Even though he doesn’t contribute, at all? Am I wrong? Am I robbing her of an important relationship?
She has my dad though, my grandfather, my brother, uncle and cousin.
Alot of good strong men.
Does one really make a difference?
I know she needs a daddy but does she really need that one?
I have become her
The one I hate
She has been hidden for so long
She has emerged
I remember her
She is horrible
Quick to react
Even faster to anger
She makes me hate myself
That hatred feels like burning hot whisky down my throat
She is hateful
Seething with black dark unforgiving love
Her guilt makes it impossible to sleep
Trying to figure out how to make things right
Praying for forgiveness
I hate her
She makes me ugly
To me even
She makes me want to slit my wrists snd get a one way ticket out of here
I hate that she has taken so much of my life already
6 years and a bit more
She has resurfaced
Like a friend cut off at the first sign of peer pressure
She turns me into a monster
Rearing it’s ugly diseased head
Even weeks to calm down
She enjoys this
Grabbing me right in the middle of my chest
Pulling me towards the darkness
And I just give in
Trying to fight but she has a hold on me
Like 10 people holding me
Unable to breathe
She takes over as I try to live
She brings out the ugly in me
The ugliest part of me
I need to find the off button
I don’t like being this ugly
The Dinner Genie is a Christian run company based in Pinelands.
What I love about this company is the fast responses to email, their willingness to answer the magnitude of questions I had and the warm reception I received upon collecting my meal. Also, a major plus? Mother dearest thoroughly enjoyed the meal – which, if anyone knows my mom, is a fracking amazing.
Because this is a Christian run company, they cook with pork food items and therefore this competition is only open to my Christian followers, unless you’re like super chilled about your food being cooked in the same kitchen as pork goods, then read the fuck on bra!
What can you win? Besides a day off from cooking? #BuyPaperPlates
A roast chicken dinner (feeds four, unless you are a kos gangsta’) to the value of R250
Roast Chicken Dinner, you say? Will I only be getting Chicken?
– Full Free Range Chicken with bread stuffing
– Roast Potatoes
– Roast veg
The winner would need to pick up the item from the Dinner-Genie kitchen in Pinelands, after 4pm on a pre-selected date. (futher information will be provided to the winner only!)
So, if you want free kos and have a ride then follow the rules below and get yourself a meal man! Yassis! Do yourself a favour and get that food hunnay!
Follow my blog (altyd ne) and comment on my Insta post about this competition with the name / email address under which you followed
If you already follow my blog, then just comment with the name / email address under which you follow me
Like my Facebook page (I have got to get over myself!)
Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy – winner announced faster than you can say “Hos Ma Se Kin!”
Please do not view this on your work laptop
Please do not read this in a public place
For the sake of humanity, do not view this in an open place
Read this on your mobile, with the lighting dimmed
Please! For the love of all that is good – dim the damn light on your phone
Make this easier for all of us
Yesterday was Women’s Day (in South Africa) and my mom had a women’s day function @ the church we attend
Was it great? You betcha! Now, there were 2 photographers and the one took a pic of the baby and I where I commented that she knows how to hide all my problem areas (you all know the “fat” I am talking about)
Jokingly, he responded that “You have that because of her”
*You have that because of her*
Now, I have all this (imagine me gesturing to my belly and butt) because I also do not work out and take care of myself blah blah blah BUT It got me thinking
As mothers, women even we are constantly shamed into thinking that this (gesturing towards my body again) is just not good enough
The fact we brought life into the world is not enough because we are expected to bounce back into whatever pre-baby body shape we were in #DamnYouSize28Jeans
*I have that because of her*
I have more than just my post baby (5 years later) body because of her
I have a joy whenever I see her laugh
I have a moment to myself whenever I catch her laughing in her sleep
I have a moment of reflection as I kiss her forhead and hold her tight
I have a life I created
A life I am helping to build
I have more than just these belly rolls, stretch marks and definitely more than these flabby everythings
I have a reason to get up and go work in the morning
I have a reason to always remember that things are not always as bad as you think it is
I have a girl who, in many ways, is just like me
*I have this because of her*
Of what I gave up
Who I gave up
I have memories
Alot of pain and alot of worry
I have this body and I will no longer be shamed by what allowed me to carry life into this World
If you have
– given birth
– had a stillbirth
– had a miscarriage
Know that your body is beautiful and that as women, we need to stand together, we need to support each other
You, right now, as you are, perfectly wobbly and soft, are a goddess
No matter how long you carried life, inside or outside of your body, you are powerful and deserve to be celebrated
What do you have because of them?
Now you don’t
Now you call me Mommy
Don’t get me wrong , I’ll take it
I preferred Mama though
Seemed a whole lot homelier
Like you trusted me with your life
With it all
Mommy is just so……..mommy
A far cry from Mama
We all learn and grow
This is growth
5 going on 15
My heart outside of my chest
Could you fuckin not though?
No one told me having an 8 week old pup would be like having a newborn human.
Minus having to get up and physically take you out, whereas with a babe I could just roll over and hand it my tit.
You’re making me tired Skye.
You’re cute, I’ll give you that but damn!; you’re alot of work.
Please let’s work out a schedule where you allow me a solid 3 hours of sleep between your needing to be let out.
I promise to feed you and take care of you best I can but I cannot be my best if all I am doing is stress and lack of sleep eating #NotGood
It’s ok to admit to yourself that you just don’t fit in
It’s not just as a mother but a person in general
As a mother though, it’s painstakingly awkward
I always feel like the youngest of the bunch
That all these other mothers have alot more in common than I do with a rock
I sit here, at a Princess Tea Party wishing there was some way to escape
To melt into the wall so that I could just be what I know I was meant to be
On a wall
There is a mom that makes an effort
Then there is one that has introduced herself to me on 3 occasions
Remember Forgettable Face ?
See what I mean?
As a fellow (*and I use that term quite loosely) mother, I feel that somewhere along the lines I must’ve missed the class on how mothers just mother in groups
I always feel like I am missing a fundamental part of life
Not just now
That makes it impossible for me to socially interact
That is most probably the sole reason for me not attending blogging events
I am socially unable to comprehend my status as an individual or my recognition as a mother
I am sure that is 100% ok to admit that I just do not fit in
Is it crazy that I want more of you? To see more of you? Know more of you? Is it crazy that I still cannot get you out of my head? As if you’re a drugged that I am consumed by. Engulfed in an ocean of replaying scenes with you in my mind. Am I crazy to want more than just social media? To want a bit more than what I have opened myself to? Is it ok that I have all these questions with no one to answer them. That I sit here, silently willing myself to sleep so that I could possibly dream of you. Of what we could be. What I hope of. How crazy is it that I am thinking of you when you’re thinking of your next?
In the middle of the night as I stir awake, I dream of you. Always the same dream. Everything the same. You. Me. Us. When I wake up though. Each second after is different. More recently I awoke in a panic. Searching for you. Finding nothing but emptiness. That day, I longed for you. I know you must’ve seen me. I know you. From all angles. Not the one I want to know you from though. I wish I could caress your skin. Touch my lips to yours. Just to know you. More of you. More of the promises we once made. I once made. I know you’ve seen me. After 10 years, I warned you that I was not the same. Far from it. You reassured me that you would love me regardless. I know you must’ve seen me; as I rushed out of the brightly lit shop at 7am. You must’ve. I know I saw you. I saw you turn and look. You must’ve seen me. You must’ve seen that my warning was real. That you could not commit to the real me. The far from it me. You must’ve expected something different. I’ll never know what. If I keep you in my mind. Hoping one day, that I will either forget about you completely or that one day I might get to love you; then I might stop these nightmares. It’s a nightmare, you see. When I wake up I am not alone but I am not with you. When I am so wrapped up in wanting to know you more but you’re just out of my reach. Maybe if I give up, just this once. But you must’ve seen me. You must’ve realised that you could not love the unlovable. I warned you, if only you had listened. If I could only stop my heart from breaking. If only we never put any effort into this. From the beginning. If I could turn back time, I’m not sure if I would choose to stop wanting to know you; because as heartbreaking as it is, it gives me hope. Hope that one day I might get to see you, even just a fleeting glance. Not just the pics I see on Facebook. Not just the years of stalking I go through. I saw you. I am sure you saw me. Just as my heart breaks, I know seeing me broke yours.